in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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