We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
