I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
