That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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