I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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