How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
