the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
