fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
