So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
