The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize