remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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