You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
