He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Randomize
