Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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