he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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