the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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