In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
