oh god the rape fog is back!
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
