I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
