My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
