Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
