She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize