It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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