He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
