I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Randomize
