Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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