I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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