Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
