I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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