Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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