Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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