Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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