We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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