There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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