There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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