did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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