i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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