so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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