We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Boobs speak an international language.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
