I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
