Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
The Olympian is in my bed
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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