dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
