Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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