Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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