Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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