Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
