hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
