I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
