Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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