It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
