just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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