Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize
