Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Randomize
