Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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