I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
