Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
