Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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