Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
