I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
