Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
