You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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