you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize