I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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