apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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