You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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