Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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