true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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