new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
