I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
